Pocketful of Sunshine or If You Find My Head, Let me know


I am a pocket person.

I put things in my pockets. Jean pockets, jacket pockets, backpack pockets…any kind of pocket. Then I forget about it.

I get change and instead of putting it into my purse, I put it into my pocket. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because of the rush I get when I reach into my coat pocket in November and find a $20 bill from last spring. In my mind, I am thinking…half a pair of shoes! So when I find money at the bottom of the washer or dryer, you can assume it’s mine.

I also have a habit of misplacing other things. It’s the other things that drive me batty. A couple of years ago we went to Maui and I bought a nice little underwater camera so I could take pictures when we were snorkeling. It’s a cute little red Olympus with a Hawaiian themed wrist strap. Hey, you gotta be fashionable, right?

So anyway, I remember having it last fall when we were on a hiking trip but couldn’t for the life of me find it. I went through everything! Drawers, pockets, backpacks, you name it. So it’s been missing for a long time. I didn’t care much because I have my everyday, fancy camera that I use for nearly everything else. So after the first ripping apart of the house, I kinda let it slide.

The other day I was vacuuming and I had an epiphany. Yes, it was a true epiphany. I tend to not think when I am vacuuming and just let my mind wander. Mostly it’s because I hate cleaning and it’s better to be mindless when having to do that.

“Go look in your old camera case.”

I swear someone spoke to me in that instance. So I shut off the vacuum and went in search of my camera case…One I hadn’t used in over a year…FOUND IT. Yes, I do hear voices. Thankfully they are usually my own so they won’t come after me with the white coats and straight jackets.

Yup. You guessed it. It was in the camera case. I did a happy dance that I am so glad nobody else was around to witness. Be thankful I don’t VLOG! No really, this is one white girl who cannot dance. No rhythm whatsoever.

Pockets. They are my best friend and nemesis.

We have a new policy at work where we have to be hands free in the car. Which is a good policy to have even if your company doesn’t have one. Go visit my blogger friend The Bearded Iris and read about her near miss experience. Really..go read it. Make the pledge.

I know, I know…just get on with it. So….

I have tried so many wired headsets, wireless, bluetooth, you name it. I have tried them and have hated every single one. I have a cool pink Jawbone one that is so cute but it sucks ass! It falls out of my ear, noise reduction sucks…I hate it. So when I was forced to go out and buy a new one I did so reluctantly.

I asked questions, read all the reviews and hoped I would finally be happy with one. But that’s not what this is about…

I bought one…I had it for about a week. I went to the grocery store at the end of the day with it attached to my ear…since I am not one of those people who like to say “Hey, look at me! I am important, I have a bluetooth headset attached to my head to make it look like I am smarter, safer and douchier than you!”

I took it off.

Did I put it into my purse? No. Did I put it into my jeans pocket? No. It must have been dropped.

When I next needed it, I went to look for it…I looked in my purse, my jeans, my jacket. I called the grocery stores that I went to that night..NOTHING. I start to panic because even though work paid for half of it, it was still $90 that was gone…and I would have to pay for the next. That could buy me shoes for crying out loud! I went through all my jackets…The damn thing just freaking disappeared. Or maybe it jumped to its death from listening to me sing along with the radio one too many times. Whatever. It was GONE!

Fast forward…

After 3 weeks of not having it, I was all set to buy another one Saturday when my shopping trip was cut short by a call from MJ…he had faceplanted at the terrain park while snowboarding…concussion. (He’s okay, btw). It will have to wait until after I pick him up and make sure he’s okay and then beat him myself for not having his helmet on.

Sunday we were heading to the in-laws to visit…I grab a sweatshirt to wear since they keep their house colder than Antarctica in the winter. Zip it up and go to adjust the pockets. Any guesses on what I found? Apparently, besides my poor judgement of putting it in a pocket, my memory was so piss poor that I didn’t even remember what I was wearing the day it went missing.

Yeah. That. So, I can honestly say that my son’s concussion saved me $90. A bright spot in all that. Another uncoordinated happy dance.

Anyone else think that I just saved my family $200 between the camera and headset,  and that I should go out shoe shopping? I agree. Who wants to go?

~Sassy

p.s If you were wondering about the bluetooth that finally won me over…it is the Plantronics Voyager Pro HD. This is unsolicited and just my experience with it. It looks big but I can wear it all day without my ear getting sore.

The Y Factor


Chromosomes.

They make us what we are. They determine what we look like, our future health, pretty much everything. This includes our ability to find things apparently.

MJ has his first behind the wheel driver’s ed session this morning. We are instructed to bring his permit – check, and his original application that posed as his permit until his official card came in the mail – unchecked.

In great mommy fashion, I like to make sure we are not running around like chickens without a head right before we leave so I tell him that he needs to find it…LAST NIGHT. And what do you think happened? Did he go look then? If he did then hell must have frozen over and I don’t see any demons coming up top to warm up in the cuddly new blanket of snow we got last night.

So…I ask him this morning.

“Did you find it?”

“Ummmmmm…..”

“Where did you look? Did you look in the cars?”

“Uh, I can’t find my wallet either.” His wallet is where his permit card is, btw.

Well, his wallet I can help with since Devil Dog gently brought it to me the other day. The yellow piece of folded up paper? Not so much.

“So, did you look in the cars?”

He goes and looks in both cars.

“Uh…I can’t find it.”

Shit, damn, shit!

We tear the recycling bin apart thinking we may have thrown it in there because we are green like that…

Still no sign of the elusive yellow paper.

So I do what any mom would do when her kid can’t find what they are looking for…I go out to the car and look myself.

Why? Because I have this compulsion habit to not believe that he really looked as well has he should have.

A) because he is notorious for not seeing things

B) because he has that Y chromosome

So I trudge through 5 inches of snow out to the garage because my dear, dear Rambo didn’t want to have an attached garage. Can we say dumbass together? DUMBASS!

Open the door, open the center console and move 1 crumpled up donut bag. And what do I see? A yellow slip of paper. Yeah. Underneath HIS crumpled donut bag. Seriously, it wasn’t mine. I hide the remnants of my secret donut runs so much better than that.

I walk back to the house to show him his missing paper permit.

“Did you move the bag?”

“Uh. Yeah, but I didn’t see it. It must have been hiding!”

“Hiding. IN PLAIN SIGHT!”

I am just glad that it wasn’t me that lost it or threw it out. FYI…In Minnesota, even if you have gotten your official permit that looks like a license…do not throw away that little piece of yellow paper. You may need it to start your behind the wheel lessons. DUMB!

Now I am all paranoid about throwing away MY renewal piece of yellow paper…

Seriously though? What is it in that Y chromosome thread that just makes the male species so obliviously blind to things that are right in front of them. If there is one thing that is blocking 50% of the item they are looking for they can’t find it. Rambo is the same way. Is there just some part of their brain that doesn’t process something if it’s not in its whole form?

And they wonder when they ask the question of me…

“Have you seen XYZ?”

I just get up and find it for them…because I know in 5 minutes after being asked that question that I will be up looking for it anyway. I see it as a time saver.

How about at your house? Are you the finder in your house and is it worse with the XY species? I really want to know. Because if I am the only one, I need to kick some ass…they are playing me for a fool.

Let me know!

~Sassy

Repeat After Me…I Love My Kids


Big snow day Wednesday…

Having a snow day means having to deal with the whining. Oh, they beg for snow days, get pissed when it doesn’t happen and then piss and moan when they get one and nobody can get out and do anything.

WAH-WAH-WAH!!

Then everyone gets bitchy and crabby. The kids, Rambo and then me. Makes me want to punch someone in the face. Thankfully,  I have really awesome skills willpower and that doesn’t happen. The punching, not the bitchiness. I can’t help that.

Since we have been experiencing a once-in-a-lifetime mild winter, (read: this winter has been fucking awesome and warm and no snow and I LOVE IT) the snowmobiles have been sitting around collecting bird shit and stuff.

Until yesterday. 10 inches of snow will cause that bug to bite and make MJ all giddy like a lil’ girl.

First comes the digging out…

“Mom! I need you to get your boots and a coat on and come help me! I can’t get the machine out.”

“Ok, I am getting them on as you are talking because I have just been DYING to get out in the 50 mph winds and blowing snow that it’s almost more than I can take. Let’s go!”

Ok, what I really said?

“Um, hello!!?!?!? Does it look like I’m ready to go outside and trudge through snow? I am trying to work here. You know that thing that keeps you in clothes with food on the table? Yeah. That. You go out and try again and THEN maybe I will be ready to help you….sheesh!”

5 minutes later, I hear the snowmobile racing past my office window. I win.

I just taught him independence and perseverance. Always good life lessons to learn.

And the digging out? It stopped there. He went riding all afternoon, coming home right before Rambo got home.

I knew this was going to end badly.Rambo pulls to the end of the driveway and sees that no snow had been moved from the sidewalks.

I went and hid under my desk and sucked my thumb when I heard MJ’s phone ring…OH SHIT!

I could hear the wrath coming through the phone from 2 rooms away. Call me a wimp but I stayed put. There was no way in hell I was going to get in the middle of that one.

So Rambo, being the epitome passive aggressive person that he is did not make MJ go out to help. He went out there and cleaned it all up himself and then came in at dinner time to bitch, moan and complain to me. Oh did I infer that it was in a normal voice? No, it was more like the daughter of my blogger friend over at Pretty All True…Majversational. (Thanks Kris!) Go read it and you will understand.

If there is one thing I have learned is that MJ will not do anything without being told to do it. It’s his flawed personality. I get it. My daughter gets it. Rambo? Sadly does not. Let me tell you, the sooner you realize it, the better and life is good.

And JC? She moped around the house all day. Nothing worse than a teenager girl moping.

The night before she gets a call from DoucheBag (her BF) wanting her to come see him. It’s 9:00 at night and she’s bitchy tired. But she leaves the room to take the call since she knows we wish he would just disappear.

“I have to go.” She tells us when she comes back.

Logical question for us is “Why? You do realize the roads are going to get bad with this snow”

“DoucheBag’s dog got hit by a car.” BTW…she doesn’t call him DoucheBag but that’s what we hear when she says his name.

Okay…let’s get this straight. I like dogs and I am very sorry that she is dead. But I didn’t see him rushing to her side when her great-grandpa died. Dog, grandpa?  EXCUSE ME? Does anyone else see a narcissistic thing here?

First off, the only reason a dog gets hit by a car is because of the owner. I can say this because I have been one of the unfortunate ones who has had a dog hit by a car. So don’t get all sanctimonious and start calling me nasty names. I get it. It is sad. But you only have one person to blame if it happens. Dogs are dumb when it comes to cars and traffic and you have to be the one to look after them. You have to be smarter than the dog.

So yesterday, she was all mopey and sad-eyed. All around a freaking happy fest last night. I just kept my mouth shut.

Today, I vow it’s going to be a happy day…

Wait. What? Seriously? Another snow day? The roads are all clear….NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

And I woke up with a migraine aura…

Save me!

~Sassy