Teachers and Unicorns and Cougars Oh My!

My son.

He has a knack for rendering me a little speechless sometimes.

Last night was no different. I had the news on in the background and Bill O’Reilly was doing a segment on a Russian immigrant who came to the U.S. legally and how she did it…blah, blah, blah. I have a feeling saying what I was watching will lose me some followers…whatevs.

So, not really paying too much attention, I was reading on my Kindle 3G, Free 3G + Wi-Fi, 3G Works Globally, 6″ Display with New E Ink Pearl Technology and MJ was on the laptop when I see him looking at the t.v. (Like my plug?)

“That’s the reason the term ‘Hot for Teacher’ was coined, Mom.”

Wait. What just came out of your mouth?

“Say again.”

“Yeah mom…guys wouldn’t get any learning done in her class.”

Apparently this person is a TEACHER! Well, not in the normal sense anymore. She WAS a teacher in Moscow but came to the US, became an “internet sensation” and also went through the process to become a US citizen. Which is awesome that she went through the proper channels. Don’t worry. My soapbox is in the closet and I will  away from political stuff…

If you are interested, her website is called “HotForWords” and if you are so inclined, you can see what it’s all about. Talk about a niche site!

It’s nice to know that I most likely will be made a proud Grandmother some day by my son. Makes me think that I really need to be hiding my Victorias Secret and Venus catalogs. Hmmmm. I wonder where my Fredericks of Hollywood catalog went….

Oh MJ….mama needs to talk to you!

On another topic…there must have been something in the water that I drank yesterday because I was dreaming some pretty crazy stuff…apparently my inner cougar was just itching to come out.

I won’t bore you with all the details but somehow I ended up in a minivan with one of the people I was working with and a friend of my daughters. This is not any normal friend…it’s one of her guy friends who happens to have told her at one time that she was lucky to have a MILF for a mom! I know!!! I should be horrified at being called that but secretly, I am so fucking flattered that I can hardly contain myself. It means that I still have IT…like I really ever had IT before but hey, it makes me feel good.

And did I mention that he is hot? Yeah…in a “holy shit, I wish I was 18 again” hotness scale. Is there a term for that? Like MILF but different?

Can’t be DILF cuz that’s for dads….

Maybe….HILF….hottie I’d like to…could work…It would be kind of like Gretchen Weiner’s “fetch” she tried so hard to get everyone to say. Okay, maybe not.

So, we are in this minivan and I am NOT 18 so that technically would make me a cougar with the thoughts I was thinking. Or acting upon. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t… Let’s just say his MILF dreams came true.

And if Rambo knew what was taking place in my dreams, he would have tapped me on the shoulder at about 3:00 this morning and the rest of the day would have been a GOOD DAY. It’s not a GOOD DAY. I wish it was, but wishing only gets me rainbows and unicorns.

So, I leave you with visions of that and I am hoping that some of you started out today as a GOOD DAY… *smiling and nodding* Damn, you are having a GOOD DAY and I am not. Sigh.


That’s it! I am Borrowing the Tighty-Whiteys

I have a raging case of envy.

It took me a long time to realize exactly what I was feeling. The jealousy, anger, resentment over little things. It is all envy.

Do I wish ill will on the people who make me feel this way. No. Not most of the time. So that’s only a little sinful. Right?

I am envious that I don’t have “Penis Privilege”.

What is Penis Privilege?

Penis privilege comes with having a spongy appendage swinging between your legs that allows you to get away with shit at home, the workplace, or just plain life in general. Look around ladies! You wonder why they say that men tend to think with their little heads? It’s because they can! And they get away with it!

The penis doesn’t even have to be big! It could be the tiniest little thing but if it swings, even a little? Penis Privilege.

Poor guy…he worked hard today. He deserves to put his feet up on the desk for the afternoon. HE HAS A PENIS!

Poor woman…she worked hard today. Her reward? Go home, cook dinner, do laundry, try to fit in 20 minutes of exercise and then collapse into bed. You DON’T HAVE A PENIS!

Poor guy…he has a lot on his plate. He can put his phone on do not disturb to get uninterrupted time to complete this project. HE HAS A PENIS!

Poor lady…her plate is overflowing. Let’s see how much more we can pile on. You can work on that project after the office closes when it gets quiet. You DON’T HAVE A PENIS!

Your guy turns his head when a pretty girl walks by…that’s okay.  It’s like a little string attached to his top head and it just pulls in the direction of that estrogen laced boob display. HE HAS A PENIS!

Your head turns when a hot guy walks by on the beach…”Wtf, woman! Why you looking at that? You can’t do that when I am here!” Why not you ask? Because…. you DON’T HAVE A PENIS!

They don’t even have to wield it like a sword! It can be laying there all relaxed and oblivious in its little cocoon and it doesn’t even realize the secret powers it holds. Those powers go so far beyond it’s little imagination it would be hard for them to imagine

So for today. I am envious. I want that Penis Privilege that you men enjoy. Even if it is for just one day.

I wonder if I went to amazon.com and bought Doc Johnson Crystal Jellie (it comes in pink! duh!) if it would work the same? I could grab a pair of Rambo’s tighty-whiteys and tuck it in the front, not have to worry about panty lines and enjoy those special penis powers of privilege! I really don’t think I have a thong that it would fit in…

How great would that be?

Seriously though, those powers are awesome! Having a penis means that you just get to use stressed out as an excuse for being a crab-ass. Women, they MUST be PMS’ing this week. It is never due to the amount of stress in their life. It’s always the PMS. Stress makes it okay for men, PMS just makes you a bitch.

And no…for the record…I am not PMS’ing this week.

You just HAD to go there didn’t you? I know, you did. Just couldn’t help it could you? Uh-huh…nope.

Now, how can I tell my boss that I know the secret to the magical powers of penile privilege?

Just Don’t Say It

Running shoes, tenners, tennies, tennis shoes, sneakers…all names for athletic type shoes. What you call them is usually based on where you live. East, West, North or South.

I prefer tenners. It’s just easier to say then running shoes or tennis shoes. It’s what I grew up with. But I will never ever call them sneakers. That just sounds…well….downright sneaky!

Why call them sneakers? It makes you sound like you are going to spy on people. Not that I do that anyway…*looking up at the sky, rolling my eyes* Not me, never! I never put my phone into spy mode and take pictures for my blog.

Put your sneakers on and peer around corners seeing what you can see…by wearing sneakers, does it make you more invisible? Can you be more sneaky if you call them sneakers?

To me, that is one of those words that you just don’t say.

Admit it! You have words that just make you shudder when you hear them and you just want to throat punch the person who said it.

In fact, one day my awesome bitches at Bitches In the Burbs collected words on Twitter from their followers and it made for a hilarious day!

Other words that you just don’t say around me are:

MOIST…ugh. Combine it with panties and it just about makes me want to barf.

Slacks…especially when a guy says it. There is nothing manly about the word slacks.

Hosiery…really now? Did they have to? What is wrong with socks or stockings? Men’s hosiery is located on the second floor. Just because I saw that sign…I will walk out of the store. Really, watch me.

Supple…suuuuppppp-ulllllll. Now say it with a little bit of a lisp…thu-pull. *shudder*

Suckle…suckling at his mother’s breast. GIVE ME A BREAK! Call it nursing…I don’t care…anything but suckle!

So I am going to go put on my new slacks and hosiery along with my supple sneakers that are made of material that keeps my feet from getting moist while I run and go suckle on a popsicle.

Feel free to share words that you think belong on this list!