Pocketful of Sunshine or If You Find My Head, Let me know


I am a pocket person.

I put things in my pockets. Jean pockets, jacket pockets, backpack pockets…any kind of pocket. Then I forget about it.

I get change and instead of putting it into my purse, I put it into my pocket. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because of the rush I get when I reach into my coat pocket in November and find a $20 bill from last spring. In my mind, I am thinking…half a pair of shoes! So when I find money at the bottom of the washer or dryer, you can assume it’s mine.

I also have a habit of misplacing other things. It’s the other things that drive me batty. A couple of years ago we went to Maui and I bought a nice little underwater camera so I could take pictures when we were snorkeling. It’s a cute little red Olympus with a Hawaiian themed wrist strap. Hey, you gotta be fashionable, right?

So anyway, I remember having it last fall when we were on a hiking trip but couldn’t for the life of me find it. I went through everything! Drawers, pockets, backpacks, you name it. So it’s been missing for a long time. I didn’t care much because I have my everyday, fancy camera that I use for nearly everything else. So after the first ripping apart of the house, I kinda let it slide.

The other day I was vacuuming and I had an epiphany. Yes, it was a true epiphany. I tend to not think when I am vacuuming and just let my mind wander. Mostly it’s because I hate cleaning and it’s better to be mindless when having to do that.

“Go look in your old camera case.”

I swear someone spoke to me in that instance. So I shut off the vacuum and went in search of my camera case…One I hadn’t used in over a year…FOUND IT. Yes, I do hear voices. Thankfully they are usually my own so they won’t come after me with the white coats and straight jackets.

Yup. You guessed it. It was in the camera case. I did a happy dance that I am so glad nobody else was around to witness. Be thankful I don’t VLOG! No really, this is one white girl who cannot dance. No rhythm whatsoever.

Pockets. They are my best friend and nemesis.

We have a new policy at work where we have to be hands free in the car. Which is a good policy to have even if your company doesn’t have one. Go visit my blogger friend The Bearded Iris and read about her near miss experience. Really..go read it. Make the pledge.

I know, I know…just get on with it. So….

I have tried so many wired headsets, wireless, bluetooth, you name it. I have tried them and have hated every single one. I have a cool pink Jawbone one that is so cute but it sucks ass! It falls out of my ear, noise reduction sucks…I hate it. So when I was forced to go out and buy a new one I did so reluctantly.

I asked questions, read all the reviews and hoped I would finally be happy with one. But that’s not what this is about…

I bought one…I had it for about a week. I went to the grocery store at the end of the day with it attached to my ear…since I am not one of those people who like to say “Hey, look at me! I am important, I have a bluetooth headset attached to my head to make it look like I am smarter, safer and douchier than you!”

I took it off.

Did I put it into my purse? No. Did I put it into my jeans pocket? No. It must have been dropped.

When I next needed it, I went to look for it…I looked in my purse, my jeans, my jacket. I called the grocery stores that I went to that night..NOTHING. I start to panic because even though work paid for half of it, it was still $90 that was gone…and I would have to pay for the next. That could buy me shoes for crying out loud! I went through all my jackets…The damn thing just freaking disappeared. Or maybe it jumped to its death from listening to me sing along with the radio one too many times. Whatever. It was GONE!

Fast forward…

After 3 weeks of not having it, I was all set to buy another one Saturday when my shopping trip was cut short by a call from MJ…he had faceplanted at the terrain park while snowboarding…concussion. (He’s okay, btw). It will have to wait until after I pick him up and make sure he’s okay and then beat him myself for not having his helmet on.

Sunday we were heading to the in-laws to visit…I grab a sweatshirt to wear since they keep their house colder than Antarctica in the winter. Zip it up and go to adjust the pockets. Any guesses on what I found? Apparently, besides my poor judgement of putting it in a pocket, my memory was so piss poor that I didn’t even remember what I was wearing the day it went missing.

Yeah. That. So, I can honestly say that my son’s concussion saved me $90. A bright spot in all that. Another uncoordinated happy dance.

Anyone else think that I just saved my family $200 between the camera and headset,  and that I should go out shoe shopping? I agree. Who wants to go?

~Sassy

p.s If you were wondering about the bluetooth that finally won me over…it is the Plantronics Voyager Pro HD. This is unsolicited and just my experience with it. It looks big but I can wear it all day without my ear getting sore.

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Repeat After Me…I Love My Kids


Big snow day Wednesday…

Having a snow day means having to deal with the whining. Oh, they beg for snow days, get pissed when it doesn’t happen and then piss and moan when they get one and nobody can get out and do anything.

WAH-WAH-WAH!!

Then everyone gets bitchy and crabby. The kids, Rambo and then me. Makes me want to punch someone in the face. Thankfully,  I have really awesome skills willpower and that doesn’t happen. The punching, not the bitchiness. I can’t help that.

Since we have been experiencing a once-in-a-lifetime mild winter, (read: this winter has been fucking awesome and warm and no snow and I LOVE IT) the snowmobiles have been sitting around collecting bird shit and stuff.

Until yesterday. 10 inches of snow will cause that bug to bite and make MJ all giddy like a lil’ girl.

First comes the digging out…

“Mom! I need you to get your boots and a coat on and come help me! I can’t get the machine out.”

“Ok, I am getting them on as you are talking because I have just been DYING to get out in the 50 mph winds and blowing snow that it’s almost more than I can take. Let’s go!”

Ok, what I really said?

“Um, hello!!?!?!? Does it look like I’m ready to go outside and trudge through snow? I am trying to work here. You know that thing that keeps you in clothes with food on the table? Yeah. That. You go out and try again and THEN maybe I will be ready to help you….sheesh!”

5 minutes later, I hear the snowmobile racing past my office window. I win.

I just taught him independence and perseverance. Always good life lessons to learn.

And the digging out? It stopped there. He went riding all afternoon, coming home right before Rambo got home.

I knew this was going to end badly.Rambo pulls to the end of the driveway and sees that no snow had been moved from the sidewalks.

I went and hid under my desk and sucked my thumb when I heard MJ’s phone ring…OH SHIT!

I could hear the wrath coming through the phone from 2 rooms away. Call me a wimp but I stayed put. There was no way in hell I was going to get in the middle of that one.

So Rambo, being the epitome passive aggressive person that he is did not make MJ go out to help. He went out there and cleaned it all up himself and then came in at dinner time to bitch, moan and complain to me. Oh did I infer that it was in a normal voice? No, it was more like the daughter of my blogger friend over at Pretty All True…Majversational. (Thanks Kris!) Go read it and you will understand.

If there is one thing I have learned is that MJ will not do anything without being told to do it. It’s his flawed personality. I get it. My daughter gets it. Rambo? Sadly does not. Let me tell you, the sooner you realize it, the better and life is good.

And JC? She moped around the house all day. Nothing worse than a teenager girl moping.

The night before she gets a call from DoucheBag (her BF) wanting her to come see him. It’s 9:00 at night and she’s bitchy tired. But she leaves the room to take the call since she knows we wish he would just disappear.

“I have to go.” She tells us when she comes back.

Logical question for us is “Why? You do realize the roads are going to get bad with this snow”

“DoucheBag’s dog got hit by a car.” BTW…she doesn’t call him DoucheBag but that’s what we hear when she says his name.

Okay…let’s get this straight. I like dogs and I am very sorry that she is dead. But I didn’t see him rushing to her side when her great-grandpa died. Dog, grandpa?  EXCUSE ME? Does anyone else see a narcissistic thing here?

First off, the only reason a dog gets hit by a car is because of the owner. I can say this because I have been one of the unfortunate ones who has had a dog hit by a car. So don’t get all sanctimonious and start calling me nasty names. I get it. It is sad. But you only have one person to blame if it happens. Dogs are dumb when it comes to cars and traffic and you have to be the one to look after them. You have to be smarter than the dog.

So yesterday, she was all mopey and sad-eyed. All around a freaking happy fest last night. I just kept my mouth shut.

Today, I vow it’s going to be a happy day…

Wait. What? Seriously? Another snow day? The roads are all clear….NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

And I woke up with a migraine aura…

Save me!

~Sassy

 

Don’t Take that Tone with Me!


I have been married for almost 25 years.

Over half of my life.

A quarter of a century.

I know! I look wayyyyyy too young to be married that long. Take my word for it…I really look young.

Anyone who has been married as long as I have, have kids, work full-time know that when you look back at where you were to where you are now and the way you deal with things, have changed.

Hopefully change for the better.

In my case?

I have gotten more patient with my kids as they have gotten older, stopped worrying about the small stuff and focused on the big things. I wish I had more patience when they were little. But they don’t remember then. They remember the now.

Don’t get me wrong, I still bitch at them when they don’t help with the dishes…or I just get passive aggressive and make lots of noises in the kitchen. Slamming doors, muttering under my breath…”damn kids don’t do nothin’ ’round here”. Is it too much to ask?

I don’t yell anymore. Ok…that’s a lie. A white lie, but a lie no less.

I only yell when it matters. When I really need to get their attention. It seems to work better when they aren’t hearing me bitch all the time. It took me long enough to figure that out. But once I did, my kids respect me more as a parent. Score!

Rambo?

Still hasn’t figured it out. He is like his dad. He gets this tone. Yes…I said TONE. It’s a louder, asswipeish tone that he has that not only grates on my nerves but makes the kids tune him right out. Or, in MJ’s case gets into a shouting match that ends with me sending them to their corners.

So I talk to him about it. “You can’t do that. You need to listen to yourself in how you talk to the kids. They just tune you out. Don’t be so loud and preacher-ish. TALK to them, don’t yell to them.”

I try not to do it in the middle of it because then I get the “you don’t support me” speech…that sounds awfully womanly, doesn’t it?

His response? “I just get so mad at them. They don’t listen to me, so I yell.”

Um. “Maybe….just saying here…maybe it’s because you start out yelling?”

“NO! I DO NOT START OUT YELLING! THEY MAKE ME YELL!!!”

“Do you hear yourself? You are YELLING at me now.” He doesn’t even hear himself anymore. And it is pissing me off because he is loud all the time and he talks to me like I am a child. He yells when he doesn’t need to yell.

I like quiet. And I like peace.

He tells me, “That’s just the way I am. Accept it. I won’t change.”

In the refrains of Steve Martin…Excuuuuuuuuuuuusssssse meeeeee!

Sorry, dude. I can’t accept it. If I can change my ways for the kids and you…You can can change your ways.

Here…let me show you the way….

It will be slow but I will hold your hand…

BTW…puppy comes home today and we have been instructed by Rambo that we can’t be loud. He doesn’t want a fearful puppy…hmmmm.

I will let you know how THAT works out! Hhahahahahahahahaha!

Forever Sassy!