Foolin’ Myself


I hear refrains of Aldo Nova in my head. I keep hearing:

So long, well, it’s sad to say

But you’re only fooling yourself

So long, I’m glad you’re happy that way

But you’re only fooling yourself…..

Why?

I am a stats junkie.

I told myself that I would not be a slave to stats when I started this blog. I knew it would take a while to get it out there and get readers. And I was okay with that. I was secure in myself. Besides, the blog was just a whim.

I was fooling my self.

Day two of my blog I had 27 views! And none of them were friends. I was on a high since my OTHER blog doesn’t perform that high and my friends knew about it. Seriously? I need better friends. They can’t even support me. Sheesh, it isn’t like I asked them to donate a kidney or something. Just read a fucking blog post every day. Oh…and share it with your friends because…I am fucking funny! I mean come on people…get with the program. Do they have a Facebook Mass Defriend app? No? They should. I would SOOO use it now.

Day three? 8 views. Failure. Where were my new Twitter tweeps? Did I offend them? Did I piss someone off? Shit. Depression sets in and I get all mopey.

And I can’t even talk to anyone about it. Nobody knows about my blog other than you. Don’t get me wrong. I love you guys! I love your comments (hint, hint), love your tweets and yes, I love your stats visits . 🙂 But living two lives is hard damn it!

Day 18…holy shit! 78 views! Yes, I did the naked happy dance around my office that day. Too bad I don’t VLOG! Who knew I would get that many views blogging about my plastic surgery wish list! So thank you all!!!! MWAH! But be thankful you couldn’t see it. I am a white girl who can’t dance and needs plastic surgery. Be very thankful. No really.

So now I check stats every couple of hours. It’s like an obsession. It’s worse than my shoe whoring!

Numbers are down! Better send a Tweet out! Damn, only one click in an hour? Fuck…send another shameless begging plea Tweet AGAIN. Sorry guys! No, not really but I thought you would believe it. Did it work? Please say it did. Please, please. Oh god, there I go again.

Pleading.

I am pathetic.

But…guess what? I am not the only one. And it makes me feel good that there are others out there who are stats whores like me. We can be pathetic together. We tweeted about our patheticness last night. So thank you to people who are just like me.

Oh and my Facebook Page? That’s a whole ‘nother level of patheticness. Really? All I need is 25 likes then I can get my own URL. Is that too much to ask? I didn’t think so. So for now I get this really lame-ass long address that is totally embarrassing. Totally.

So people…I want to be like Sally Field. Really I do. Well, except for the osteoporosis thing. I want to be able to say….

“You like me, you really, really like me!”

So go here…

http://www.facebook.com/pages/SassyBlondeBitch/214743541877118 and push the like button. You can block me after. I just want your like.

And here…you don’t want to miss my tweets do you?

http://twitter.com/#!/sassyblondbitch

Don’t make me do it…

You really are going to make me do it?

Really?

Oh all right….

Please, pretty please? With chocolate frosting on it?

I am so ashamed.

*crawling under my desk to cry and hide from the sassy-hating people out there*

See. told you. pathetic. I would have capitalized it but I am too sad to yell and I didn’t want you to get mad at me.

Yes, I fooled myself when I said it didn’t matter.

Oh ITunes!…Cue up Aldo for me…Fantasy this time…

Life is just a fantasy, can you live this fantasy life…oh no, oh no…life is just…..

Go here…because stats are important to her too…I love her so you should too. Why? Because she is funnier that I am, trust me. And yes…I DO speak whinese. This whole post was whinese.

Don’t Speak Whinese

Little Liars


LIAR

Image via Wikipedia

Do you know people who lie? I am not talking about whoppers, these are the people who feel they have to lie about the inconsequential things. THOSE kind of people.

“Did you send that package out?”

“Yes, two weeks ago.”

“Can you send me the tracking information?”

“Um, let me see if I can find it…pregnant pause…no, can’t find it. Oh wait Jake just got back from the post office and they had a package there for us, it was returned. I will get it out tomorrow.”

This is just a little lie but if I can’t count on you to do something simple as shipping a package, how can I trust you to do the right thing with larger, more important details? It makes me question everything you say.

Is it easier for you to lie because I don’t see you every day? When you tell me that you broke your ankle. Do I believe you or ask for a picture of you in your cast, because it affects you doing your job?

When you tell me that your sister died, and you have to go up to help mom out, did I need to ask for the death certificate? I am beginning to wonder.  If you lie about the little things, what’s to stop you there?

So when you ask me to keep you on staff when your husband gets stationed overseas and promise that I can rely on for customer service, what should my answer be?  Are you really going or are you pulling one over on me again? Will you be stateside, taking advantage of my loyalty to my employees?

And all of this pisses me off. It pisses me off because I don’t like being paranoid that people are lying to me. I am a suspicious person anyway and these little lies just add up and make me want to crawl into a padded room.

I think I have gotten my answer.

So I leave you with some Aldo Nova lyrics. I made a Powerpoint with audio but I am too cheap to upgrade and let’s face it, if it’s just a link, you won’t click on it anyway. Just saying.

If you don’t know who he is…I pity you. But you can Google him. And if you ask nicely, I will put the link in to the Powerpoint. But only if you ask nicely.

It’s Too Late

You call me on the telephone
And you say you’ll never do it again
But you’ve hurt me once too often dear
And it’s just a little late to repent

All your beggin’ and pleadin’ won’t help you
And your lying’ and cheatin’, I’ll take no more
‘Cause I told you before and I’ll tell you again

Chorus:
You liar, liar
It’s too late, it’s too late
It’s too late, it’s too late

I know, that I never wanna see you again
And now don’t you go, tellin’ lies about me to your friends
‘Cause I’ve heard them before and you know it
That’s I’ve taken this long just to show it
So take all of your heartaches and leave me alone
‘Cause I know, you know, they know

It’s too late – I’ve walked out the door
It’s too late – To tell me you’re sorry
It’s too late – To go any higher
You liar, liar, liar

So you call me on the telephone
Sayin’ that you’ll never do it again
But you’ve hurt me once too many times
And now I’m afraid it’s the end.

All your beggin’ and pleadin’ won’t help you
And you’re lying’ and cheatin’ I’ll take no more
‘Cause I told you before and I’ll tell you again
That I know, you know, and they know

It’s too late – I’ve walked out the door
It’s too late – To tell me you’re sorry
It’s too late – To go any higher
You liar, liar, liar