My Neighbors, the Assholes


We live in a rural area where houses are not stacked next to each other. They aren’t extremely far apart but sometimes I wish they were further away. So while we don’t have many neighbors, the ones we have (most of them) are either assholes or just plain weird. Today, I tell you a story of the assholes.

Yesterday, as I was driving through the farmland of Wisconsin getting more raged at dumb drivers going way too freaking slow, I got a text from my husband.

The neighbor’s dog is dead.

Now, I have wished ill will on the neighbors ever since they got that dog. I love dogs, that’s why I couldn’t bring myself to offer it up rotten hamburger. Yes, the dog would have shit all over the house when they were gone but I would have felt horrible knowing the dog was feeling sick. Really, the dog can’t help it, it’s the brainless owners fault. Just ask Cesar! I don’t like imbecile¬†neighbors who should not have dogs. And these people should not have a pet cockroach, let alone a cute, furry canine.

I can’t count how many summer days were ruined by the incessant barking of the dog. Mostly early in the morning when I am trying to sleep. Don’t mess with my sleep, people! So, I really did not like this particular dog but did not want to wish him dead. He would bark at the trees swaying in the breeze, birds flying over. His own shadow.

How did it happen?

The wife was going out to the mailbox and let the dog go across the road with her…NO LEASH. This was common for them and when they weren’t around, I could see the dog running in the road. All the while thinking to myself, it’s inevitable, he will be struck by a car. And he was. My husband said he will never get that sound out of his mind. Sadly, the dog didn’t have an easy few minutes.

What transpired next really put these neighbors up for my Asshole of the Year award.

Did she get emotional? No. You would have at least expected a tear or a bit of sadness in her voice. Hell, I got more emotional talking to my hubby about it!

The owner tells the driver that it wasn’t their fault. Which is true. The neighbors live at the crest of a hill and you can’t see over it when driving.

She never put her mail down to comfort the dying dog. What a BITCH. The kids in the car that hit them were out there petting it, but the owner never did anything. Yes, I am judging. Some people deal with things different. I don’t care. It’s wrong.

The owner starts walking up the driveway to call to her asshole husband.

“Oh Jimmy….Jimmy!” Singsong irritating voice, btw.

He comes down, looks at the dog and says.

“Yup, damn dog couldn’t stay out of the road.” Excuse me? What about pet owner responsibility? Don’t let your dog run free!!!

They move the dog to the yard and there it lays. Asshole neighbor goes back to cutting wood and tinkering in his garage. WTF!

And this is the guy who told us when we moved in with our cat.

“If she comes in my yard, I will shoot it.”

Yup, ASSHOLE of the Year goes to you Jimmy!

~names have been changed to protect the innocent, ME!

Off to be sassy and bitchy. Do you have any asshole neighbors like this? Tell me about them. I would love to hear from you.

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