Before and After ~ A Hairy Tale


Rambo is my oblivious half. He does not notice a lot of things. Little things, big things. They go unnoticed.

I wish I could go through life not noticing little things. It would make my brain less cluttered with useless as shit information.

We drive by a house in 2001 and I look at its door. It’s not really a memorable door, just a plain simple door to a house. A house where plain, simple people live. We drive past again in 2008? Yeah. I am the one to notice that they painted the fucking door! True story…really it is. I am that weird.

But when I am at the grocery store, totally different story! I can’t remember what the hell I wrote on that note that is still sitting on the counter in the kitchen. Go figure.

So, I notice shit. Little shit, big shit, all kinds of shit. And it clutters my brain. Thanks to Handflapper my word of the day is shit. (Click on Handflapper to read more…funny shit!)

Rambo not so much.

Color my hair from honey blonde to medium brown? Took him a full 3 hours to notice. But only after I asked “do I look different?” Cut my hair from shoulder length to chin length bob? He thought my hair was in a ponytail.

You got it? I notice shit. He doesn’t. Period.

Most of the time.

I came home after being gone a few days. I was tired. I was cranky bitchy. I am sure I was annoyed by the airlines or something along those lines. I make dinner.

We stare into each other’s eyes while we eat. Um, no not really. I find that extremely unsettling and well…freaking weird. But if you like to do that…great. Just not for me. But we talk, and I look at him. We finish and settle in for the night.

A couple of hours pass by watching tv.

“Don’t you notice anything different about me?”

I look at him from head to toe…”Nope.”

“Look again.”

So, thinking he got a haircut or something…I look up at his receding hairline forehead and then scan his face.

Oh. My. God!

“What did you do????!?!?!?!?!?”

“I slipped while I was trimming some stray hairs with the clipper.” He looks down at the floor.

He looks down because that’s where I am; rolling on the floor like a dog in bear crap…laughing and peeing my pants. Oh and I may have pointed at him too. My memory is a bit foggy on that.

I look at him…Right there. Above his eye.

Was a HALF OF AN EYEBROW! 

Yeah. Really. He really cut off half of his eyebrow.

And I laughed, for hours. I would look at him and giggle.  Turn away, giggle. I even giggled in my sleep. I just know I did.

So Handflapper…thank you for providing me the inspiration to tell this tale. Now go click on that link up there for her.

Forever sassy!

 

Summer Landscaping: Pits, Pubes, Legs and Nails


For my guy readers….continue at your own risk.

I can’t tell that summer is here by looking out the window. It has been gray, rainy and cold up here in da nort’ country.

It sucks.

But the calendar says it is summer. It’s June and we had to put the heat on this morning. WTF is up with that?

Summer means landscaping and cleaning up. The yard, the house and the closets.

Your body.

Admit it. Winter comes and you let yourself go. And if you are shaking your head no…I am calling BULLSHIT! Unless you live in the tropics or a place you can wear shorts all year round, you are full of it! Face it. It’s a nice reprieve from knee nicks, bloody ankles and shaved shin skin. Yes, repeat that three times. You know you want to. I can wait. Shaved shin skin, shaved shin skin….kinda catchy, isn’t it?

Where was I? Oh, shaving.

I admit that the only time that I shave my legs in the winter is when I think that I might have sex. But…if its been a while since nookie time, and the hair is so long that it stops being prickly and I think that Rambo won’t notice…We are good to go! Oh honey, that’s not hair…that’s just fuzz stuck to my legs from the blanket and lotion combo. *looking around hoping he buys it*

Admit it! You wouldn’t shave your legs if you didn’t have to! The pits…done daily. Sorry, just can’t let that go.

Toenails.

I do keep them painted all winter long. I paint them when my flops go into the closet and my boots come out. Do I polish them throughout winter? HELL NO!  Really, if you are the only one who sees them, does it matter if they are growing out and chipping? If you let them grow out, the polish eventually becomes a cool looking French Pedicure. My color choice this winter? Black. Made an interesting grow out pattern.

Don’t be all grossed out. I DO CUT MY TOENAILS in the Winter. I am not that nasty. It’s just the polish that gets ignored.

Bikini lines.

It doesn’t matter if you wear a teeny-weeny bikini or grandma suit from Sears…You have to do some grooming of the pubes. The hats with the attached hair are nasty. You certainly don’t want someone to ask you where you got the gag swimsuit bottoms. Can you get them at Spencers? Yeah. I know. The visual is there. Good.

Note to the natural ladies…Jungle girls don’t belong on the beach. Sorry. Well, no I’m not. I am a bitch and I really don’t want to sidestep piles of vomit on the sand.

After the grooming, make sure you put your suit on and make sure you don’t have any strays. Stretch, move, sit cross-legged. Just be on the look out for errant soldiers. Its one of those things that if you see it on a beach…you know you should look away, but you are so grossed out that you just can’t. I really don’t want to look at it. Really.

I don’t care what size you are. If you are bikini body or swimsuit dress body sized, everyone needs a little landscaping to be summer ready. So go take a look in the mirror after you get out of the shower. Try to ignore the large picture and just say the mantra:

Pits, pubes, legs and nails.

Once you have that taken care of those…who the hell cares about the rest. Be confident in yourself, get in the pool with your kids and to hell with the rest of them! Just remember, we all have our own body issues whether we are skinny, large boned, big boobed…look at my list of plastic surgery wants!

Confidence is sexy no matter what.

Now where the hell is my polish remover? My toes are starting to look a little funky!

Have a great weekend everyone and remember:

Stay forever sassy!