Spitting Teeth

I’m baaaackkkkk!!! In the words of Kid Rock:

I’m back (back) the fog has lifted
The earth has shifted
and raised the gifted
You knew I’d be back
so pack your bone And hit the road bitch
cause Sassy’s home!

I am sorry.

I have slacked. My faithful readers, forgive me? You can slap me.

I need a bitch slap. No seriously. Would someone just slap me? You can send me a Twitter slap… @sassyblondbitch

Really do it!

I went to a little town parade on the 4th and I forgot my camera (phone)! Un-fucking-believable! I NEVER, repeat NEVER forget my phone EVER! The one day that the freaks all come out in this teeny-tiny little town and I leave it in my purse at the inlaws. I nearly bitch slapped my self!

You see, I left my purse at the house because the 4th of July allows all the agoraphobes with the white, pasty skin and orange fingers to come out for their once a year foray into society. You would actually think it was Halloween the way they look. And I was worried that my Guess knock-off would be coveted and stolen. It’s just that kind of town.

Soooooo….off to the parade we go!

In this town, which I am sure is like many others, the baby-mamas haul their toothless kids down to the street so they can get more candy.

Wait, is that a mouthful off Tootsie Rolls? My bad. They are his teeth.

There is enough Tootsie Rolls and taffy thrown on the street to stretch to the moon and back. And they are like greedy little nymphs! The noise they create when their eight brothers get more candy can top the noise of the fire truck coming round the bed. Seriously though?  I really think that the dentists buy the candy…oh wait. These kids don’t go to the dentists…they have no teeth!

The baby-daddys! Oh baby…hold me back! Let me describe the baby-daddys to you! Rambo just hates bringing me out on these days. He worries that I am going to bring home a new man! Secretly, I like the stringy hair, emaciated pot-bellied tattooed dude with meth mouth!

C’mon over here and plant a juicy wet one on me! Hold up…I got something in my mouth. *spits* Never mind, it was one of your teeth.

Sorry…had to run and puke. The smell memory made me gag.

Oh…the fashion. Exquisite! Makes me want to go shopping at the dumpster behind Goodwill where even THEY rejected the clothing!

What is it with these women who think that it is okay to go out in public with a black bra under a white tank top? There are only a handful of people who can pull that look off and get away with it. And it sure as hell isn’t in Podunk, USA. Or the crop top and crotch cut shorts? I am so glad that look is coming back with the obesity rate soaring! Is that Frosty over there in the cutoff t-shirt?

Have you ever had the pleasure of seeing a treasure trail? Really? No? You have missed out! Not really.

This was no treasure to see…Wookies be afraid…be very afraid!

Note to Treasure Girl: If you don’t have time to shave, wax, pluck or attempt at landscaping maybe you shouldn’t be wearing shorts that barely cover your crack and mess up front. I really don’t need my 14-year-old seeing something that will make him afraid of going to bed at night. Then add the FUPA to it…I had to hold Rambo back at that one.

Not only is this town filled with lovely ladies like that, it seems to attract the recently released pedophiles.

No. Really. Not being snarky or bitchy. This is the truth. Sad isn’t it?

So when I see a mom rolling her 4-year-old daughter down the parade route in a wagon dressed in a pair of shorts and wearing only a bib on top…I want to go postal on her ass. First of all…there are limits in houses…but out on the street in public with registered pedophiles watching all the kiddies? No. DO NOT THINK SO!

So this year looks like it will the last year we decide to partake in the festivities. The landscape has changed. It has gotten larger, hairier, gummy and vomit inducing.

Now, if I can just talk the in-laws to moving. And not near me!

Did you see any interesting things during the parade you went to?




Parenting Craps

We all know THOSE moms.

You know the ones. The ones who have masters degrees in child psychology and seem to always know what is best for your kid and look down their noses at you when you have some minor issues with your own kids. And you just know they are thinking “you poor, poor stupid mom” as they look like they have just sucked on a case of lemons.

I know one of them.

JC has been friends with this mom’s daughter since kindergarten. JC and Haley have done Girl Scouts and soccer together, had sleepovers and birthday parties. Since graduation they have drifted apart but they still run into each other occasionally.  So when JC came home this weekend and told me what was happening with Haley I was really surprised.

Haley had some problems in school and needed to have tutoring to get her to read at grade level and always had to push herself to get good grades. And her mom pushed her. Pushed her in school and in sports to excel. So off she went to college. Moved into the dorms, played soccer and seemed to have adjusted fairly well. She moved home when the school year was done. But that didn’t last.

Haley is now living with friends, working two jobs and has no plans to go back to school. She apparently was not doing well and gave up. She moved out because her parents put too many rules in place. The girl is 19. Yes, she is living under your roof and there needs to be respectful, reasonable rules. But not rules that treat them like they are 16 again.

We were talking about it at dinner and MJ then tells me that Haley’s brother has run away and has been a handful of trouble. So what happened to this family that both kids are rebelling?

She always told me that she thought that we were too free with JC and didn’t have enough rules and that was why she was boy crazy. Blah-blah-blah blah-blah. Like all parents, you do what you think is right for your kids. We had rules. Lots of rules. Maybe different rules that she had for her kids but they were still rules.

We had curfews, who she could hang out with, what dances she could go to, when she could date, who she could date. But we also trusted her. And I think that is the one thing that made a difference.


It’s hard to trust sometimes but if your children don’t do anything to lose trust, why do you still distrust them? We always tell our kids that we trust them until they do something to lose it. Don’t get me wrong, we have had our circle of trust violated by both kids but then they have more limits until they regain the trust. And it takes A LONG TIME for that to happen.

This family didn’t trust their kids.  They installed that driving camera for the car to monitor their driving habits. Once, Haley turned on the radio which broke the rules and she got her driving privileges taken away. For turning on the radio! The only reason they knew this was because they downloaded the video and watched it. I understand instilling safe driving habits, but really?

Is she a bad mom for being so strict? No, she was doing what she thought was best for her kids and the kids are pushing back finally. Then who is the bad mom here?

It’s me.

My heart goes out to Haley and I hope and pray she finds her way. I hope she goes back to school so she doesn’t have to have 3 jobs to make ends meet.

I am a bad mom because in my heart, I am gloating. Yes, I am gloating because this lemon-faced mom thought that my daughter would end up pregnant at 17. Instead she is graduating with her first degree in December, less than 2 year after graduating from high school. While she doesn’t know what she wants to do, she is enrolling in an undergraduate science program at the local university. And my daughter has done it debt free, paying her way through school.

I am gloating and I feel bad and bitchy for it. I just want to go up to her and tell her neither one of us had the right answers. We did what we thought was best. Parenting is a crap shoot and you hope for the best.

And yes, I will be saying nah-nah-na-boo-boo under my breath. It’s what sassy bitches do.

Moondaddy, Moondaddy

With the boys away for the weekend, it gives JC and I time to have girl’s night! Yay me!

Shhhhhh…it also means that I can drink wine all weekend without anyone telling me that I am drinking too much.

So, for girl’s night this is the plan. We have wanted to go to the new Japanese Steakhouse in town to give it a try. So what did I do? I went online to see what time they open, what’s on the menu and all that good stuff that you can learn from the internet. I mean, I want to know if anyone has gotten the shits, pukes, the heebie jeebies…whatever. I really don’t want to spend the rest of my quiet, spouse and kid free weekend in the bathroom praying to the porcelain throne. I wanna shop!

So, this is what I found…

Serioulsy…If I owned this restaurant, I would fire the person responsible for this web page. I wonder if the Mama’s and the Papa’s will rewrite their song… Mondady, Mondady…

So glad that I am going to a restaurant for a DINING FREE EXPERIENCE! Just what I want to do on Friday. As long as it is unforgettable, I am there! Who cares if you can’t dine! Come to the restaurant…where you can just look at the food! It’s unforgettable! It could be a good diet!

Or what if they mean you can dine for free? Now that would be awesome! Free dining, all day, every day. I am so there.

What do you think? Should I chance it?