Life Gets In My Way


Life.

Sometimes it just gets in the way and no matter how hard you try to you push it aside, it just gets in the way. That and someone from my real life finding me. THAT freaked the shit out of me and sent me into hiding.

Seriously. I did not know what to do when that happened.

I have missed blogging, I have missed Twitter. Especially all of my Tweeps who really, really got me.

I am back because I found that my head was ready to explode from filing everything and not being able to say it. That made me miserable. It took me this long to realize it.

Not that life was bad. It really wasn’t but as you know my real life has to have a filter where my real thoughts and words sometimes would get me in trouble if I let it spill out.

I can’t tell the people I work with that I think they are fucking stupid and they need to step up and stop being such lazy douchebags. Instead, I tell them that I think you can improve here, here and here. In a nice singsong voice to make them feel validated. Fuck validation…just do the damn job I pay you for.

I can’t tell Rambo that every time he opens his mouth (when I am in a mood) that I want to cut his nuts off and stuff them in his throat so he can’t talk anymore. Really, I do love the guy but after nearly 25 years, it gets hard some days! I can’t tell JC that DB, boyfriend, is still a dickhead, won’t amount to anything and should just die. Oh wait, I do tell her that. On a daily basis.  I can’t tell MJ that talking about “sweaty ball sacks” in front of me is inappropriate but that is only because I am laughing too hard. He has no filter.

One thing I have done is telling my boss that he had to grow a pair. The Sassy in me just couldn’t help it. But hey…I still have a job! And I got a promotion. Who knew that saying something like that would get me a promotion?

I have done many things since July:

1. Trained for and completed a half-marathon! 13.1 body pounding, feet tortured miles!

2. Took a few vacations.

3. Got a 12 point buck second week of deer hunting.

4. Had surgery.

5. Went to New York for work and had FUN too!

6. Helped build a sauna…OMG….best thing since the vibrator. Seriously.

7. Hiked over 100 miles. Whew.

I will expound more on that stuff later….but it already feels good to be back! And to my Twitter friends, thanks for opening your arms back up and making me feel missed!

Forever Sassy!

 

Thigh Icing…Want Some?


I think I have finally went over the edge.

And I didn’t just slip. I took a running leap and flung my white, cellulite puckered thighs, wrinkly tummy, perky boobed body over the edge. And yes…my boobs are still perky-ish after breastfeeding two spawns, so stop it. Just stop it! Pick yourself up off the floor and brush off the dog hair and crumbs you have collected down there. And STOP LAUGHING!

Yes, I flung my body.

Unfortunately my belly button ring got caught on a fucking branch and I am just dangling there waiting for the turkey vultures to start pecking at my eyes and asshole. Yes, they go for the easiest meal first. Wait…what??!?! A belly button ring at 42? Fuck you. It’s cute. Take my word for it.

He's just waiting to pluck my eyeball out

Yes. I am getting to the point. Sheesh, it’s like you want to kick me off that branch and watch my lifeless, asshole-less, blind body roll down the cliff to the bottom! You people are sick!

People talk about kids having peer pressure but let me tell you…adult peer pressure sucks. At least as a kid, you are pressured into things like drinking or smoking pot. Not shit like signing up for a fucking half marathon. The healthy, good for your body shit. Not the unhealthy, good for fun shit.

I signed up for a half marathon.

ME!

Didn’t someone remind me that I don’t run? No, they fucking encouraged me to do it! Some friends I have. These are the ones who do 5K things all the time. They couldn’t just encourage me to just do a short one…nooooooooooo! I am surprised they didn’t talk  me into the full marathon.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends and am all amazed that they run like they do. They are inspiring. Sometimes way to fucking inspiring. If they can do it, why can’t I? I am not being snarky and bitchy when I say this, they are both overweight and can run marathons…

Why can’t I do it? Because I DON’T FUCKING RUN!

Well, I guess I do now. Damn friends.

You can walk the course but I don’t want to be the lame-ass and finish last. So, I am running.

Not much. Not fast. Not pretty.

And where the hell is that fucking “runner’s high” they keep talking about? But that is a topic for another day…

I am doing it and I am running. I am gaining endurance and can actually run farther each time. So it is working. I know I won’t be able to run the whole thing. If I can run/walk it, I will be happy. I can walk 7 miles in a little less than 2 hours. I figure I can do 13 miles in about 3 hours and 20 minutes. If I run some, I can do it in under 3 hours and that is my goal.

Goals are good to have right?

Rambo, he is so supportive.

“Well, if you decide to not do it, it’s only 60 bucks. Not out a lot.”

What. The. FUCK!

Yes, he said that. Way to go boy-o. I love you too. Way to support your crazy ass wife. Whatever happened to lifting me me up and encouragement?

“Awesome honey! You are going to do it. You will look amazing by the end of summer. Okay, MORE amazing than you do now.”

That’s what he should have said.

Instead he got 1 week of headaches.

I could only last a week. A girl has needs.

Gotta go…my thighs need ice. And it’s not because I didn’t have a headache last night.

Fucking friends.

Forever Sassy!