Final Chapter~Saying Goodbye to Burning Yarn and Greyhound Buses


This will be the last installment. For the beginning you can start here:

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Saying Goodbye

I am a little sad to see the story coming to an end. I hope it touches you today.

The only thing I remember about the rest of the trip was more crocheting.

We got to the bus station and boarded the bus for home. Grandma showed me how to do a single stitch and a double stitch, making me practice all the way home. Thinking back, it probably was because she exhausted herself with everything we did during the day and the treatment side effects creeping up on her. The crocheting kept me quiet.

While there were many other, more quiet memories with my Grandma after this trip, the good times are the ones that I like to remember the most.

She always told the story of her conversation with the doctor when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer.

“Vera, even with treatment, the prognosis isn’t good. Maybe a year, two tops.” They told her.

She recalled that she looked the doctor in the eye and told him, “No fucking wet-nosed doctor is going to tell me when to  god damn die.”

She walked out that day and fought the fight for 20+ years

Until one day.

When her strength wasn’t enough.

Her self-sufficiency was gone.

Her resilience was worn down like an old rubber tire.

She didn’t need to brave anymore.

She passed away on a cold March day in 1982. I got the call to go to the office during Social Studies in 8th grade where I was told I needed to go home. Somehow, I knew what had happened.

The morning that she passed away she had an argument with my Grandpa. She overheard him telling the doctor that everything was to be done to save her.

She opened her eyes one last time, looked at him and told him “Fuck you. It’s not your choice. You didn’t care then, don’t start now.”

She closed her eyes and never said another word. She was finally at peace.

I like to think that I got her resilience, bravery and self-sufficiency from her. Her legacy to me, will be mine to my daughter.

I lift a glass to you, Grandma. I know you are watching over me and you come to my dreams when I most need encouragement.

My Grandma

For the beginning start here:

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Moving Day ~Finally


After a couple of false alarms, moving day is officially today.

All of the stars have aligned, documents have been signed, and it is a done deal. JC is moving today.

We have yet to see her apartment as she did this all on her own. Oh, we know where it is and approve of the place but we haven’t had to do anything other than work out a budget to make sure she saves enough for Fall tuition and can afford rent and food. The important stuff.

We went shopping last night. Our contribution is all the paper goods and cleaning supplies. It doesn’t seem like much but the other parents are doing the first week’s grocery shopping for them. She stole took a couple of bath towels, wash cloths and is taking the toothpaste from the bathroom she shares with her brother.

Into the cart went gallon size shampoo and conditioner.

“It says it has 125 washes in it. That will last me the entire summer!” Ulterior motives.

What I hear?

“I won’t have to buy my shampoo and conditioner.”

Razors? Into the cart. And not the cheap ones I buy either. They were the expensive 4 blade ones that I only dream about. I say nothing, but plan on stealing taking one when she’s not looking. Shhh….she will never notice.

So, after work tonight, her bed gets moved. I am waiting to hear her hauling the bins out to her car. I will have to shut my office door so I don’t hear it. If I don’t hear it, it’s not real.

But I know it is. I keep reminding myself that she will be back in August. Have I said that before? I know. I have.

Emotions are going crazy. I am happy, sad, proud, worried, scared.

Let’s be honest. I am terrified because DB is still around. We have talked and I have prayed that she sees him for what he is. I have faith. I have to.

I must be more accepting of this whole thing. There are good things to come out of this.

She will learn what it is like to be a partial adult. She will be budgeting more, paying for more things on her own and not having us there for everything. It will be good for her.

And it will be good for us. We can start to let go.

Oh and the best part? Nobody will be downstairs directly under our bedroom *eyebrows raised, giggling*.

If you know what I mean!

And you thought I was too sad to be sassy! NEVER!

P.S I will have a guest blog over at No Longer Quiet on Friday. It is my first and I am honored to be chosen. Head on over there today to take a look-see. He is great!

Spreading Her Wings


It is Spring. It is a time for renewal. The dirt of winter gets washed away by the rain to be replaced by the brightness of the green grass and the scent of the newly blossomed flowers. The deer are having their babies, the birds are building their nests. The seasons are changing.

It’s happening all around us. Even if we don’t want it to.

Change.

My JC is moving out next week. To her own place. With roommates.

My fledgling child is striking out on her own. If only for 3 months, she says she will be back in the Fall.

The seasons are changing and I am not sure about it. The roller coaster of emotions is toying with me.

I am happy.

I am happy that she is going to be trying her hand at being an adult, paying rent, grocery shopping, having to do her own laundry and have a budget. I am excited for her to not have to worry about waking us up when she comes home at 1 am, and that she doesn’t have to hear us harping on her to help with the dishes after dinner.

I am scared.

I am scared that she will fall and she won’t ask for help; and I won’t be there to see the signs, gently pick her up and make it all better. I am scared that she will subsist on ramen noodles and frozen pizzas. Even worse, skip meals. She is too thin already.

I am terrified.

Terrified that her douchebag boyfriend (I will call him: DB)will have more influence over her life decisions that should be her’s to make and no one else’s. Not even her parent’s. I am terrified that her birth control doesn’t work and she gets pregnant by DB, making him a part of our lives forever. Terrified that his lifestyle will become her lifestyle.

Most of all, I am hopeful.

Hopeful that she learns to fly solo. Hopeful that we have instilled the values to keep her on the right path. I have to believe that she will realize that she, alone, is in charge of her destiny. I am hopeful that she knows just how much her mom and dad love her, support her and that we will always be here for her. I hope she knows that she can reach out for help and that I will be right there to keep her steady. I will  be her gravitational pull if the carousel of life starts spinning too fast.

NO MATTER WHAT.

She is learning to fly.