Vanity, Vanity


Face it, if money was no object, there would be something that you would change about yourself through plastic surgery. My husband tells me that I am just being vain and vanity is a sin. He likes me the way I am.

SHUT UP.

I don’t care what you think on that matter. Mr. I gained 5 pounds so I cut back on my bread and lose 10.

SHUT UP.

It’s my prerogative to want to change myself. So when you place your hand on my belly and jiggle…don’t even think you are getting lucky tonight. Nope, that gate is closed and duct taped shut.

See that thong? Yeah, that one. That will be replaced by the one pair of granny panties that I own until you grovel.

So my surgery shopping list, in no particular order would be:

I have great boobs. Always have. They are the right size for my body and don’t have to say “my eyes are up here fellas” when I meet new people. Unless I am wearing my Bombshell bra from Victoria’s Secret. Then…I may just poke your eye out with them when that happens. And if I am wearing it, you really think I care where you look? There is only one reason for wearing it….atttention. Just being honest here.

The only thing I would change is to pull them up just a bit. Just make an incision, grab that pec muscle and pull an inch. Or two. Whatever. Sew it in place and I will be happy. So will my boobs. They will be so perky happy.For now, my bras will have to do the work. JC laughs at me. I have a bra drawer that rivals Victoria’s Secret drawers. What the hell is it with so many pink bras?

The chin lipo is the one I covet the most. It would stop my son from playing with my “turkey waddle” as he calls it. I was unfortunate enough to have inherited my dad’s fat face. I could be anorexic and I will have my chin pad. I hate it. So if y’all want to give to my FatChin Fund, let me know. I will send you the link to my PayPal account. Just saying.

The tummy tuck…if money was no object this would be number one. I don’t need much tucked. Just enough so when I bend over I don’t have a Shar Pei hanging off my body. Okay, a baby Shar Pei, but a Shar Pei no less. This is why I like wearing the low-cut jeans. They hit just at the top of the shar pei. Hides that puppy very well. Unless they are ultra low-cut. Then it’s just not pretty. Thank goodness my mom jeans went to Goodwill at the close of the 80’s. No front-butt for me!

The only one on my list that is even within reach is the microdermabrasion. And only if I find a Groupon for it. One that I don’t have to drive hours to use.

So do I have vanity? Yes, I have vanity. Is it a sin?

I see it as wanting to look good for you my dear husband. So that we can walk into a restaurant they will look at us and say…

“Damn, what is that hottie doing with that old man?”

Forever Sassy!

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