Yoga pants. They ARE the new pajama bottoms. Pajama bottoms that women believe they can wear out in public with no shame.

They hug the curves, lumps, bumps, mounds, flaps, flab, rolls, bags, sags and parts that make people gag.

The women are every where, they think they can rock the yoga pant when in reality, its more like a ripply large rock in the yoga pants. And I sure as hell am not talking about rock solid abtasticalness.

I own yoga pants.I get it…the comfort and ease of wearing them. They were great on our 18 hour journey to Maui last year. (That wetness you see? Yeah, tears running down my cheeks. Maui was last year.)

Now, before you get in an uproar over what you may perceive as skinny bias…let me clarify something. I am lucky that I have been able to keep up a healthy weight through diet and exercise, but even I know what I look like in yoga pants and if I don’t like what I am seeing, neither would you. I certainly don’t want to flaunt all my flaws and glorify my lady bits. I really don’t like to make everyone behind me snicker “omg, what the fuck was she thinking?”.

Yoga pants are good for 19-year-old string beans, toddlers (really, is there anything cuter?) and…I know…novel idea here but go with it…YOGA CLASS!

I do, however know cucumber gals who can pull it off and still look good…so it is possible.My point? Even skinny people can look ridiculous if the yoga pant is too small. Can we say camel toe? Even skinny girl camel toes are nasty.

Can we be honest for a minute? We all obsess over the size printed on the tag and the psychological bullshit games the manufacturers like to play with us. We need to forget about the size and focus on the way they LOOK! I mean really…I was a size 5 in high school and weighed 105 pounds. My daughter is now 102 pounds and wears a size zero. Sizes have changed in 25 years!

News flash!!! It no longer means anything! I have jeans in 4 sizes in my closet, get what fits!

Okay…stepping off my soapbox. Stepping, stepping…

Helllllloooooo!!!! Has everyone broken their mirrors? I mean, really….you can get full length mirrors at Wal-Mart for less than $10. Take my advice, get one, use it and the eyes of the world will be happy.

And don’t count on all of your friends. Most of the time they will tell you that you look good. But that is only because women can be bitches (really? Yeah, really!) and if you question if you look good and they say “oh honey, (insert pregnant pause) you look, um, great!” Don’t listen. Change.

Face it, we want to look good and can sometimes say things that will ensure that. Not that I would ever do that! I used to, when I was a bitch. Wait…what? Never mind.

My lesson for this Friday is:

No one needs to see your petals

Appropriate Camel Toe


Moving Day ~Finally

After a couple of false alarms, moving day is officially today.

All of the stars have aligned, documents have been signed, and it is a done deal. JC is moving today.

We have yet to see her apartment as she did this all on her own. Oh, we know where it is and approve of the place but we haven’t had to do anything other than work out a budget to make sure she saves enough for Fall tuition and can afford rent and food. The important stuff.

We went shopping last night. Our contribution is all the paper goods and cleaning supplies. It doesn’t seem like much but the other parents are doing the first week’s grocery shopping for them. She stole took a couple of bath towels, wash cloths and is taking the toothpaste from the bathroom she shares with her brother.

Into the cart went gallon size shampoo and conditioner.

“It says it has 125 washes in it. That will last me the entire summer!” Ulterior motives.

What I hear?

“I won’t have to buy my shampoo and conditioner.”

Razors? Into the cart. And not the cheap ones I buy either. They were the expensive 4 blade ones that I only dream about. I say nothing, but plan on stealing taking one when she’s not looking. Shhh….she will never notice.

So, after work tonight, her bed gets moved. I am waiting to hear her hauling the bins out to her car. I will have to shut my office door so I don’t hear it. If I don’t hear it, it’s not real.

But I know it is. I keep reminding myself that she will be back in August. Have I said that before? I know. I have.

Emotions are going crazy. I am happy, sad, proud, worried, scared.

Let’s be honest. I am terrified because DB is still around. We have talked and I have prayed that she sees him for what he is. I have faith. I have to.

I must be more accepting of this whole thing. There are good things to come out of this.

She will learn what it is like to be a partial adult. She will be budgeting more, paying for more things on her own and not having us there for everything. It will be good for her.

And it will be good for us. We can start to let go.

Oh and the best part? Nobody will be downstairs directly under our bedroom *eyebrows raised, giggling*.

If you know what I mean!

And you thought I was too sad to be sassy! NEVER!

P.S I will have a guest blog over at No Longer Quiet on Friday. It is my first and I am honored to be chosen. Head on over there today to take a look-see. He is great!

Pity Party for Me

I had a pity party for myself yesterday. On Mother’s Day. I am getting good at pity parties.

It wasn’t as if my family forgot about it. I got the requisite flowers and cards. I even got them early for once. It wasn’t that I couldn’t sleep in, we skipped church (probably going to hell again).

Despite the flowers and cards, I was in a bad place. You know how one little comment can turn you into the bitch from hell? Happens to the best of us.

It all started with a comment by my hubby.

“Are you on the computer when you have so much to do?”

Whoa…it’s fucking Mother’s Day and you are getting on my ass about being on the computer? All because I have STUFF to do? Excuse the hell out of me!

Yes, my house is a mess. Could it be that I was gone all week? Shouldn’t I have come home to a clean house for Mother’s Day weekend? Yes, laundry needs to be done. I have 2 kids and a husband, couldn’t you have at least started a load or two?

Yes, my cupboards are bare and I have to go to the grocery store. That’s what take out is for.

So I did what any other passive-aggressive bitch would do. I shut of the computer. And I started cleaning.

In total silence. Not a word was uttered. I vacuumed the rugs, Swiffered the hardwood, polished the furniture and cleaned the toilet.

Coming into the house he sees the progress and asks “Did you want to go out to lunch or something?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Well, it’s nearly 2:00 and I will still have to cook when the kids get home. So no.”

His reply: “Is it something I said? Am I reading too much into this?”

Um, hello!?!?!?! You mean you actually have to ask that question?

So instead, I tell him that he made me angry (here’s the censoring. I really just wanted to tell him what a douche he can be at times) when he made the comment about being on the computer because of all that has to be done. He says that wasn’t how he meant it and I don’t have to clean. It can wait until tomorrow.

Oh, thank you very much Mr. Charity!

I cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen and then went to the grocery store.

I hope you choke on your sandwich.

Always sassy, always bitchy.