Oh Happy Day? Screw It, Time for a Rant


Today is a rant kind of day. Then again, when is it NEVER a rant kind of day?

I guess it is because I have had it with stupid people, their stupid ass comments and downright rudeness. Reach out and touch someone? Hell, I want to reach out and slap someone. So come along and listen to my rant. I hope it makes you smile.

Features:

If you buy a car and you don’t like one or more of the features of the car, like where the 12 volt outlet is for charging your phone (heavens, don’t call it a cigarette lighter any more!!) do you call up Subaru and ask them why they put it there? Or even better? Tell them “Well, on my Nissan, it was to the right and up 5 inches. You need to change it to be more like my old Nissan.”

What. The. Fuck. Seriously.

If you wanted a fucking Nissan, you should have bought a fucking Nissan.

If you didn’t like where XX button is in our software, then why didn’t you buy the other one? Oh that’s right! Our software has a million and one other things that are better than theirs!

When something goes wrong:

If you have to call customer support, be nice to the people on the phone trying to help you. Yes, we realize that you think we are the stupid ones asking you stupid questions like:

“What were you doing when it “broke”?

Why do we ask stupid questions like that? Hmmmm….let me think. Eyes looking up, finger on my chin because doing that makes me think better. Maybe it’s because you were just a rude shit and we want to make you feel fucking dumb.  I have a course for my employees called “How to Treat Condescending Assholes When They Need Your Help”. Not really, but I should.

Step number one? Make sure you have them walk you through EVERY fucking step they took before they broke it.

Step number two? Point out that the 15th action they did, was totally fucking wrong and THEY broke it!

Of course, you have to do it in a way that they don’t realize that you are saying in your head “Fucking dipshit”. I do this by saying:

“Oh, I see where it went wrong. When you clicked on Y instead of X, it was the wrong order and Z wouldn’t work that way. It can sometimes get really confusing. There are so many things in this software.”

Translation:

“You fucking idiot. Didn’t you learn anything that I taught you last week? No, you cannot print the report out if it doesn’t exist yet!”

Oh…another thing? If we help you solve your problem…would it hurt you to say thank you? Don’t just hang up on us while we are still talking. WE REMEMBER THAT and tell all of our coworkers. Just saying. On busy days, you may just be the LAST person we call back.

Whew…that makes me feel so much better. You readers are awesome for letting me rant and be my bitchy self today.

So thank you. I bow to your acceptance!

 

 

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My Neighbors, the Assholes


We live in a rural area where houses are not stacked next to each other. They aren’t extremely far apart but sometimes I wish they were further away. So while we don’t have many neighbors, the ones we have (most of them) are either assholes or just plain weird. Today, I tell you a story of the assholes.

Yesterday, as I was driving through the farmland of Wisconsin getting more raged at dumb drivers going way too freaking slow, I got a text from my husband.

The neighbor’s dog is dead.

Now, I have wished ill will on the neighbors ever since they got that dog. I love dogs, that’s why I couldn’t bring myself to offer it up rotten hamburger. Yes, the dog would have shit all over the house when they were gone but I would have felt horrible knowing the dog was feeling sick. Really, the dog can’t help it, it’s the brainless owners fault. Just ask Cesar! I don’t like imbecile neighbors who should not have dogs. And these people should not have a pet cockroach, let alone a cute, furry canine.

I can’t count how many summer days were ruined by the incessant barking of the dog. Mostly early in the morning when I am trying to sleep. Don’t mess with my sleep, people! So, I really did not like this particular dog but did not want to wish him dead. He would bark at the trees swaying in the breeze, birds flying over. His own shadow.

How did it happen?

The wife was going out to the mailbox and let the dog go across the road with her…NO LEASH. This was common for them and when they weren’t around, I could see the dog running in the road. All the while thinking to myself, it’s inevitable, he will be struck by a car. And he was. My husband said he will never get that sound out of his mind. Sadly, the dog didn’t have an easy few minutes.

What transpired next really put these neighbors up for my Asshole of the Year award.

Did she get emotional? No. You would have at least expected a tear or a bit of sadness in her voice. Hell, I got more emotional talking to my hubby about it!

The owner tells the driver that it wasn’t their fault. Which is true. The neighbors live at the crest of a hill and you can’t see over it when driving.

She never put her mail down to comfort the dying dog. What a BITCH. The kids in the car that hit them were out there petting it, but the owner never did anything. Yes, I am judging. Some people deal with things different. I don’t care. It’s wrong.

The owner starts walking up the driveway to call to her asshole husband.

“Oh Jimmy….Jimmy!” Singsong irritating voice, btw.

He comes down, looks at the dog and says.

“Yup, damn dog couldn’t stay out of the road.” Excuse me? What about pet owner responsibility? Don’t let your dog run free!!!

They move the dog to the yard and there it lays. Asshole neighbor goes back to cutting wood and tinkering in his garage. WTF!

And this is the guy who told us when we moved in with our cat.

“If she comes in my yard, I will shoot it.”

Yup, ASSHOLE of the Year goes to you Jimmy!

~names have been changed to protect the innocent, ME!

Off to be sassy and bitchy. Do you have any asshole neighbors like this? Tell me about them. I would love to hear from you.