Spitting Teeth

I’m baaaackkkkk!!! In the words of Kid Rock:

I’m back (back) the fog has lifted
The earth has shifted
and raised the gifted
You knew I’d be back
so pack your bone And hit the road bitch
cause Sassy’s home!

I am sorry.

I have slacked. My faithful readers, forgive me? You can slap me.

I need a bitch slap. No seriously. Would someone just slap me? You can send me a Twitter slap… @sassyblondbitch

Really do it!

I went to a little town parade on the 4th and I forgot my camera (phone)! Un-fucking-believable! I NEVER, repeat NEVER forget my phone EVER! The one day that the freaks all come out in this teeny-tiny little town and I leave it in my purse at the inlaws. I nearly bitch slapped my self!

You see, I left my purse at the house because the 4th of July allows all the agoraphobes with the white, pasty skin and orange fingers to come out for their once a year foray into society. You would actually think it was Halloween the way they look. And I was worried that my Guess knock-off would be coveted and stolen. It’s just that kind of town.

Soooooo….off to the parade we go!

In this town, which I am sure is like many others, the baby-mamas haul their toothless kids down to the street so they can get more candy.

Wait, is that a mouthful off Tootsie Rolls? My bad. They are his teeth.

There is enough Tootsie Rolls and taffy thrown on the street to stretch to the moon and back. And they are like greedy little nymphs! The noise they create when their eight brothers get more candy can top the noise of the fire truck coming round the bed. Seriously though?  I really think that the dentists buy the candy…oh wait. These kids don’t go to the dentists…they have no teeth!

The baby-daddys! Oh baby…hold me back! Let me describe the baby-daddys to you! Rambo just hates bringing me out on these days. He worries that I am going to bring home a new man! Secretly, I like the stringy hair, emaciated pot-bellied tattooed dude with meth mouth!

C’mon over here and plant a juicy wet one on me! Hold up…I got something in my mouth. *spits* Never mind, it was one of your teeth.

Sorry…had to run and puke. The smell memory made me gag.

Oh…the fashion. Exquisite! Makes me want to go shopping at the dumpster behind Goodwill where even THEY rejected the clothing!

What is it with these women who think that it is okay to go out in public with a black bra under a white tank top? There are only a handful of people who can pull that look off and get away with it. And it sure as hell isn’t in Podunk, USA. Or the crop top and crotch cut shorts? I am so glad that look is coming back with the obesity rate soaring! Is that Frosty over there in the cutoff t-shirt?

Have you ever had the pleasure of seeing a treasure trail? Really? No? You have missed out! Not really.

This was no treasure to see…Wookies be afraid…be very afraid!

Note to Treasure Girl: If you don’t have time to shave, wax, pluck or attempt at landscaping maybe you shouldn’t be wearing shorts that barely cover your crack and mess up front. I really don’t need my 14-year-old seeing something that will make him afraid of going to bed at night. Then add the FUPA to it…I had to hold Rambo back at that one.

Not only is this town filled with lovely ladies like that, it seems to attract the recently released pedophiles.

No. Really. Not being snarky or bitchy. This is the truth. Sad isn’t it?

So when I see a mom rolling her 4-year-old daughter down the parade route in a wagon dressed in a pair of shorts and wearing only a bib on top…I want to go postal on her ass. First of all…there are limits in houses…but out on the street in public with registered pedophiles watching all the kiddies? No. DO NOT THINK SO!

So this year looks like it will the last year we decide to partake in the festivities. The landscape has changed. It has gotten larger, hairier, gummy and vomit inducing.

Now, if I can just talk the in-laws to moving. And not near me!

Did you see any interesting things during the parade you went to?




Time Passes

The last time I saw her was graduation night.

24 years ago.

We weren’t great friends but were friends that would easily and comfortably slip into conversation. We had been that kind of friends since kindergarten. From grade school changes to the angst of junior and senior high. We were fringe friends.

In 5th grade we beat up Chris by the ranger station. He was a creepy kid who would pinch our asses and say crude things to us on the playground. He was ugly and had an ugly personality. We beat him up because we knew that there was no other way to get him to stop. And we knew he would never tell. What 11-year-old boy would ever admit to being beat up by a girl?

We were friends like that.

We found people to buy us booze and we would drink it behind the mall. It was always something nasty like sloe gin, spiced rum, peppermint schnapps, Mad Dog 20/20. Shit that would take paint off of a car. We NEVER had mixers, it was always straight and fast. I shudder at the thought. We always had early curfews so we did this early with hopes of sobering up before our parents came to get us. We never got caught.

24 years ago.

We all went our separate ways. We have had 2 reunions since graduation. At the 10 year reunion, people were still acting like it was high school. The cliques were the same, the people were the same. We learned who was married, who had kids, who were divorced, who was gay. There was only one that surprised me.

I did not attend the 20 year reunion. I was at a soccer tournament with my son. I have priorities and those don’t include old memories. I got shit about it but I didn’t care. All I would do is see who had gotten fat, wrinkly and be thankful I am who I am. And yes…laugh. The holier than thou cheerleader who now weighs 300 lbs? Worth hours of laughter. The stuck up football player who is now bald? Cue ball jokes abound.

24 years later.

Facebook is wonderful and terrible at the same time. Terrible because you can still see the cliques acting the same bullshitty way they used to. Wonderful because you can once again reconnect with those you wish you hadn’t lost.

24 years later.

I am on my way to the East Coast for work and will be an hour away from Deb. We have been talking on FB since we both joined. We have read about family joys, surgeries and have even encouraged each other. We have seen changes in our houses with each remodel project.

Slipping back into the easy conversations.

I always promised her that I would look her up if I was in the area. So we start making plans for dinner. We agree on the day. As the day nears, I find myself getting excited to see her. But also worried.

What if it’s different in real life? What if it’s just a facade and once we meet again, the conversation dies?

24 years later.

She calls me, I get her address. She just had a procedure on her neck and can’t drive, so I will pick her up. She has a beautiful home filled with pets. She also has 5 kids! 3 of them are out of the house already but 2 are still at home.

We go to dinner to a place that is her favorite.

We slip into easy conversation. We talk about our lives now and then. Learning more about each other. We realized that over the years, we have grown more alike we were back then. She went to the 20 year reunion and told me all about it. She said she wished she never would have gone. The cliques were still there. After 20 years you would think they would have grown. Grown up, grown on and become better people. After all, isn’t that what people should do? Grow.

Deb tells me that she quit smoking with my encouragement. Every time she felt the urge she would re-read a message I sent her encouraging her to quit. You see, my mom passed away from lung cancer. I know the effects this has on a family and I did not want her to put her kids through that. I am glad I was able to do that one small thing for a friend.

Time passes by. We hadn’t realized how long we were there talking.

4 hours.

4 hours of talking and laughing. There was never a pause in conversation.

When we both realized that they were cleaning the dining room, we checked our watches. It was getting late and I still had an hour and a half drive back to my hotel.

We part ways with promises that it won’t take 24 years to meet up again.

Hugs abound.

Promises made.

We WILL meet again.

Just not 24 years into the future.

Soon, very soon.

Parenting Craps

We all know THOSE moms.

You know the ones. The ones who have masters degrees in child psychology and seem to always know what is best for your kid and look down their noses at you when you have some minor issues with your own kids. And you just know they are thinking “you poor, poor stupid mom” as they look like they have just sucked on a case of lemons.

I know one of them.

JC has been friends with this mom’s daughter since kindergarten. JC and Haley have done Girl Scouts and soccer together, had sleepovers and birthday parties. Since graduation they have drifted apart but they still run into each other occasionally.  So when JC came home this weekend and told me what was happening with Haley I was really surprised.

Haley had some problems in school and needed to have tutoring to get her to read at grade level and always had to push herself to get good grades. And her mom pushed her. Pushed her in school and in sports to excel. So off she went to college. Moved into the dorms, played soccer and seemed to have adjusted fairly well. She moved home when the school year was done. But that didn’t last.

Haley is now living with friends, working two jobs and has no plans to go back to school. She apparently was not doing well and gave up. She moved out because her parents put too many rules in place. The girl is 19. Yes, she is living under your roof and there needs to be respectful, reasonable rules. But not rules that treat them like they are 16 again.

We were talking about it at dinner and MJ then tells me that Haley’s brother has run away and has been a handful of trouble. So what happened to this family that both kids are rebelling?

She always told me that she thought that we were too free with JC and didn’t have enough rules and that was why she was boy crazy. Blah-blah-blah blah-blah. Like all parents, you do what you think is right for your kids. We had rules. Lots of rules. Maybe different rules that she had for her kids but they were still rules.

We had curfews, who she could hang out with, what dances she could go to, when she could date, who she could date. But we also trusted her. And I think that is the one thing that made a difference.


It’s hard to trust sometimes but if your children don’t do anything to lose trust, why do you still distrust them? We always tell our kids that we trust them until they do something to lose it. Don’t get me wrong, we have had our circle of trust violated by both kids but then they have more limits until they regain the trust. And it takes A LONG TIME for that to happen.

This family didn’t trust their kids.  They installed that driving camera for the car to monitor their driving habits. Once, Haley turned on the radio which broke the rules and she got her driving privileges taken away. For turning on the radio! The only reason they knew this was because they downloaded the video and watched it. I understand instilling safe driving habits, but really?

Is she a bad mom for being so strict? No, she was doing what she thought was best for her kids and the kids are pushing back finally. Then who is the bad mom here?

It’s me.

My heart goes out to Haley and I hope and pray she finds her way. I hope she goes back to school so she doesn’t have to have 3 jobs to make ends meet.

I am a bad mom because in my heart, I am gloating. Yes, I am gloating because this lemon-faced mom thought that my daughter would end up pregnant at 17. Instead she is graduating with her first degree in December, less than 2 year after graduating from high school. While she doesn’t know what she wants to do, she is enrolling in an undergraduate science program at the local university. And my daughter has done it debt free, paying her way through school.

I am gloating and I feel bad and bitchy for it. I just want to go up to her and tell her neither one of us had the right answers. We did what we thought was best. Parenting is a crap shoot and you hope for the best.

And yes, I will be saying nah-nah-na-boo-boo under my breath. It’s what sassy bitches do.